As we approach the holidays, I want to remind parents the importance of allowing our children to decide:
1. How much personal space they need.
2. Who can be in their personal space.
Growing up in a traditional Mexican family, I was never taught about personal space. In fact, the messaging was very clear to me: You must always shake hands (at minimum), hug, give kisses on the cheek, and occasionally kiss the hand of a specific elder/family member. If you fail to do this, you are rude, and this rudeness is a direct reflection on your parents and their lack of teaching their children manners. I have a very large extended family on both sides of my parents, and this greeting ritual was quite taxing for me. Sometimes, it could take up to 20 minutes to greet every person I encountered at a family function.
When my daughter Olivia was born, she came out a bold and assertive child. She was the epitome of disrespectful before she could even walk. She cried if anyone other than her 3 favorite people held her, she gave side eye to anyone who looked in her direction or smiled at her (minus her favorites), and she would yell “no quiere” and wiggle her finger back and forth signaling “I do not want you” to anyone who tried to approach her or talk to her. My parents were mortified by her behavior.
Luckily for Olivia, she was being raised by a mom who knew a lot about child sexual abuse and grooming, and I never forced her to engage in any socialization that she did not feel comfortable in. That being said, I care how others perceive me and my family. So together, we navigated large functions and holidays to find a compromise that Olivia and I both felt comfortable with.
Here are some tips that we used to navigate social introductions around the holidays/large family gatherings:
- Preparation: Before we went to a family function, I would tell Olivia who would be there (I did this even before she could speak). This allows Olivia to mentally prepare herself and minimized surprises.
- Establish a greeting: At some point in toddlerhood, I sat down with Olivia and explained that she could not scream and yell “no quiere” at every person who looked in her direction. I made sure she knew that I would never force her to physically engage with anyone (no hugs, kisses or handshakes) but she could wave from a distance as a greeting. This worked out well for us. First, we started by her waving, while one of her 3 people were carrying her and she felt safe, then we transitioned to her walking in holding someone’s hand and waving from a distance. I still approached relatives with hugs, but she did not have to and she would wait while I greeted others and wave.
- Allow for breaks: This was crucial for us during the toddler era. Olivia was overstimulated by large groups of people and a lot of noise and if you have met me or anyone in my family, you know that we are very loud people. I made sure to give Olivia a break from the party by finding a quiet space for her to decompress. I could usually tell when she was getting to her breaking point, her patience was short, she was fussy, and I would take a break from the group and find an empty room or take her on a walk to give her the space that she needed. Sometimes this break lasted up to an hour, which is not ideal, but ultimately, we were all happy by having a joyful toddler around the family.
- Advocate for your child: When I arrived at a gathering, especially one where Olivia was meeting people for the first time, I was very clear about the expectations for Olivia. I would say hi “Tia so-and-so… this is my daughter Olivia. Olivia can you wave to say hi to Tia?” I also kept a clear distance between my Tia and Olivia so that my aunt knew that I was not going to ask my daughter to hug her. If the person asked Olivia for a hug or kiss, I would let Olivia respond (which 99.9% of the time was a no) and then I would reinforce Olivia’s decision by saying something like “Olivia likes her space or Olivia is shy and requires time to warm up to people” and then we would keep it moving to greet the rest of the family.
Not everyone is going to agree with your parenting and your choice to respect your child’s boundaries, but I promise you, your children will be so grateful that you did, and they will remember that they have a choice. They will learn to listen to their intuition. They will resist speaking with a stranger who gives them a bad vibe, they will be better at resisting peer pressure, and they will be safer and happier kids for it.
